Book Reviews
Getting the Love You Want Summary & Review: Why You Chose Your Partner
Harville Hendrix reveals the imago theory — why you unconsciously chose your partner to heal childhood wounds. Learn the Intentional Dialogue and…
Read Summary →Harville Hendrix
"The therapist who co-created Imago Relationship Therapy and taught couples why they fall for the partners they fall for."
Harville Hendrix is an American therapist and author who, together with his wife Helen LaKelly Hunt, developed Imago Relationship Therapy, a framework for understanding why we choose the partners we choose and how to build conscious, healing relationships. His 1988 book "Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples" introduced the theory that we're often unconsciously drawn to partners who resemble our early caregivers, replaying childhood wounds in adult relationships until we consciously work through them. The book became a foundational text in couples therapy, selling millions of copies and helping popularize the idea that romantic conflict can be a doorway to healing rather than simply a problem to avoid.
1 book featured·Co-creator, Imago Relationship Therapy·4M+ copies sold
Books by Harville Hendrix
Our in-depth summaries and reviews of his work
Key Ideas & Recurring Themes
We choose partners who mirror our childhood
Hendrix's Imago theory holds that we're unconsciously attracted to people who share traits with our early caregivers, so we can revisit and heal old wounds.
Conscious love requires seeing your partner clearly
Real intimacy means recognizing your partner as a separate, whole person rather than a stand-in for your own unconscious needs and projections.
Negativity erodes connection
Hendrix treats any word or act that tells a partner "you're not okay" as a rejection of their individuality, and urges couples to replace criticism with curiosity.
Notable Quotes
"He thought he was in love with a person, when in fact he was in love with an image projected upon that person."— Getting the Love You Want
"Helen and I like to think of two people in a conscious love relationship as companion stars. Each person is a unique individual ablaze with potential."— Getting the Love You Want
"In literature, as in love, we are astonished at what is chosen by others."— Getting the Love You Want
Book Author Harville Hendrix
Getting the Love You Want Summary & Review: Why You Chose Your Partner
Harville Hendrix reveals the imago theory — why you unconsciously chose your partner to heal childhood wounds. Learn the Intentional Dialogue and 7-day plan.